The Place that You Left
by mustachey5
Summary: Steve's reaction to Catherine's message (a deleted scene from 5.01) this is a short one shot exploring his emotions and attempt to come to terms with her departure.
1. The Place that You Left

_So this mini oneshot is for LuckyStarPham who requested a fic about Steve's reaction to Cath's message from a deleted scene in 5x01. Not sure if this is exactly what you had in mind, but I hope you enjoy anyway :) I did have other fics I was going to post but my laptop crapped up and wiped the stuff- so there shall be a delay on those updates- sorry, :(_

 _A/N:THIS IS NOT STEVE BLAMING CATH, THIS IS NOT STEVE HATING CATH, THIS IS JUST HIM WORKING THROUGHT THE DIIFICULT PAIN AND CONFUSION OF BEING LEFT BEHIND. PLEASE DON'T HATE ON ME. Thank you._

 **The Place that You Left**

Steve dragged himself from the water, his muscles tired and aching from the punishing routine he'd put himself through. He grabbed the towel from where it hung over one of the chairs and quickly dried himself off, the cold bite of the evening breeze prompting him to move quickly. He glanced down at his phone seeing the small light flash to indicate a new text. He picked it up with a sigh and unlocked the screen, praying that it wasn't anything to do with a case. He was tired and just wanted to curl up in bed and forget the day. He clicked on the flashing message icon and his face immediately lit up in a smile as he saw who the message was from. He hadn't heard from Catherine in a few days and he'd been getting a little concerned. He knew she was getting closer to finding Najib and in their last conversation she'd told him that she was sure she knew his location. He'd been happy to hear she was closing in on the kid and being that step closer to bringing him home, all be it for the selfish reason of knowing that the sooner she found Najib, the sooner she'd be returning home to him. He walked up to the house quickly as he opened the text, his eyes quickly passing over the words.

 _Steve,_

 _We finally found Najib. He's doing okay, rather shaken up and some minor injuries but his mother and the village doctor are caring for him at the moment and they think he'll be fine._

 _The Taliban are still hiding out in the nearby village and the people here are terrified. The children are still in so much danger and there is no one here to protect them. I know I said I would return when I found Najib but I can't. I can't leave them Steve, I can't abandon them, not now. I know that if I stay I can at least protect the children, if I leave then the Taliban will take them and everything we did will be for nothing. I can't leave them to die._

 _There is a small school in the village, they've asked me to teach there, help the young children with some basics._

 _You told me after Billy died that I had to get back out there, to do something, to find my place and I think I've finally found it. I wish my place could have been back on O'ahu with you, but I can't leave these children, I won't leave them. I know where I belong now. I've finally found my home._

 _I miss you and I'm sorry. I'm not doing this to hurt you Steve, I never meant for any of this. I love you Steve, with all my heart and I always will but I can't come back. Don't wait for me, I don't expect you to, it's not fair on you. You have your home, your life in O'ahu and I think I've found that here in Afghanistan. I'm happy here._

 _I love you Steve and I'm so sorry, I just hope you can understand._

His heart sank with every word he read, he dropped the phone onto his kitchen counter, his hands shaking. His damp towel dropped to the floor, completely forgotten as he struggled to wrap his head round the words he could barely believe he was reading. He read the message again and again and again until the words began to blur and the stabbing ache in his chest became unbearable.

She's not coming back.

.

He called her. She didn't answer. Of course she didn't answer, he doesn't even know why he's surprised. He'd been so desperate to hear her voice, to hear that she hadn't meant what she said, that she was coming home. He needed to hear that she was coming home, it was the only thing that had kept him going, the knowledge that she would be returning. And now she wasn't. She was in Afghanistan and she was staying there. He was in Hawai'i, alone, and in desperate need of a strong drink.

.

The whisky helped, in part. His hands eventually stopped shaking, his body sagging into a state of defeated shock. A small part of him had always feared that this would happen. Not necessarily like this, but he feared that she would leave, like so many others had. That she would be gone and he wouldn't know what to do. But she'd convinced him over all those years that she was staying, and he'd believed her. And now the light in his life has gone out and he's left all alone in the darkness, not knowing which way to turn. He exhaled a shaky breath as he slumped back into the recliner in his lounge, he was lost. Lost like he never had been before and so painfully alone. She'd finally found her place and she'd made it clear that it wasn't with him. What use was it going over there when she didn't want or need him there anyway. She said he had a life here to get on with. How could she not see that the only reason he had a life here for the past few years was because she had been there too. _She_ was his home and his life. She was no longer here and now he had no reason to stay. The thought of reactivating his commission crossed his mind, he had nothing left to stay on the island for. He _needed_ her, she'd been there for him by his side through everything for ten years and now she was gone. How do you move on from that? How do you learn to live a life when such a large part of you is missing? When everywhere you looks just screams of a massive gaping hole in your heart that you don't even know how to begin to fill. She was _gone_ and she wasn't coming back. Steve got it, he understood why she wanted to stay, why she had to stay, and he couldn't honestly stay that he wouldn't have stayed had the situation been different.

But none of that made the pain any easier. It was true, he had told her to go out into the world and find her place outside of the navy, he'd just been hoping that that place would be by his side. And he was happy that she had finally found somewhere where she felt she fit, where she felt she had a purpose again. She's found a home and for that he could never be angry at her. He hurts, the aching emptiness reminds him of the short period of time after Doris' "death" when his world seemed to have been drained of all colour and feeling- now just a shell, a shadow of what it once was.

He felt no anger towards her, he couldn't, because he really did get it, he just didn't like it.

The only person he was angry at was himself. He'd taken her constant presence and support for granted. He cherished and loved her but he'd always just assumed she'd be there, he'd been too blinded by his own feelings to see that she was still struggling with finding her place. He knew he should have told her how he felt a long long time ago, but he hadn't because he'd been content, he'd been so at ease he never realised that maybe she didn't feel as at home as he thought she did, or that the peace and stability he'd found in their relationship could all be snatched away from you in the blink of an eye. He couldn't be angry at her because he couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, if he'd been a better boyfriend, if he'd told her he loved as often as he felt it in his heart, if he'd shown her how much she meant to him, if he'd made her feel the way she made him feel, if he'd given her a reason to stay, then maybe she might have chosen him.

But the maybes and what ifs are pointless, because she's made her decision and his realisations have come far, far too late. So now he was just going to have to suck it up and accept it for what it is. She's gone and she's not coming back, and he has no one to blame but himself.

.

He walks slowly up the stairs to the bedroom, collapsing into the small wicker chair in the corner, his hand gripping his phone so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. His earlier tiredness was gone. He couldn't sleep, not tonight, not in their bed without her beside him, knowing that he'll never have that again. Only it's not _their_ bed any more. It's just his. There is no _them_ any more.

He tears his eyes from the empty bed, glancing around the darkened room and his gaze falls on the small chest of drawers by the far window, still covered in all her things. He hadn't touched any of her things since he had returned from Afghanistan, unable to bring himself to move any of it, his heart still clinging to the hope that she would return. A bitter and pitiful laugh bubbles from his lips. He'd been stupid enough to believe she would come back, stupid enough to hope. What use was that hope now?

He pushed himself up from the chair quickly and walked over to the dresser, picking up her favourite necklace. It was a delicate rose gold chain with a tiny arrow in the middle. He'd given it to her years ago, when they were just friends and nothing more. He gently brushed his thumb over the cool metal before placing it back in it's place.

It had taken him so many years to pluck up the courage to start something with her, to convince her that they'd work as more than just friends, he'd been so scared of losing her, of scaring her off by admitting how deep his feelings for her were. He thought that he had all the time in the world, even when she'd been stationed at Pearl he saw no reason to rush their relationship. He wanted to settle down, he wanted to get married and have kids, he wanted a family and he wanted it with her. He always had, and he'd thought that when she'd told him that she going to retire from the navy, that she wanted to do something else with her life, maybe they were finally reaching that point. All he could do now was kick himself for not moving faster, because maybe if he had, then she would still be here.

He walked over to his bedside table, sitting on the bed as he pulled open the bottom drawer and retrieved a small red box from the very back. He'd been so close, on so many occasions, to asking her. They'd joked about it before, he'd even sort of asked her once, but this was so very different. This time he not only meant it, he needed it. He'd been ready for a while, but the same fear that had held him back at the beginning of the relationship had stopped him every time. The fear of losing what they had if she were to say no. He opened the box and pulled the small ring from it. It was a delicate white gold band with a sapphire in the centre and two small diamonds either side, his grandmother's ring. Despite his fears he'd been so sure that she would say yes, but now he's suddenly not so sure that she would have. He knew she was happy here, but clearly she hadn't been as happy there with him as he thought she had been. Otherwise she would be with him now.

He puts the ring back in the box and stands, walking over and placing it with the rest of her jewellery, because despite the fact her never got to ask her, it's her ring. He had had it resized and cleaned for her, he'd had one of the diamonds replaced as well, so that it would look as beautiful and precious as the woman who would wear it. It was hers, no matter what her answer would have been.

He loves her. He'd known it for a very long time but he'd been far too scared to ever admit it. And now it was too late. He'd never get to see her face when he tells her those words, he'd never get a chance to see her say them back. He'd never get a chance to give her that ring, to ask her the question he'd been dieing to ask her for months. He'd never get to wake up and see her sleepy smile on the pillow next to his. He'd never get to hold her, to make love to her. He'd never get the chance to grow old with her, to see what their kids would look like. And the thought of the future with her that he has lost is almost too much to bear.

He loves her. He thinks that maybe that's why it hurts so very much to know that she has found a life there. She's happy there. She's found a life without him. He can't even begin to understand it because he isn't sure he knows how to breathe without her, let alone ever be happy. And he thought she felt the same.

.

 _Shadows settle on the place that you left,_

 _our minds are troubled by the emptiness,_

 _destroy the middle it's a waste of time,_

 _from the perfect start to the finish line,_

 _And if you're still breathing you're the lucky ones,_

 _'cus most of are heaving through corrupted lungs,_

 _setting fire to our insides for fun,_

 _collecting names of the lovers that went wrong,_

 _the lovers that went wrong._

 _We are the reckless, we are the wild youth,_

 _chasing visions of our futures._

 _One day we'll reveal the truth ,_

 _that one will die before he gets there._

 _And if you're still bleeding you're the lucky ones,_

 _'cus most of our feelings they are dead and they are gone,_

 _We're setting fire to our insides for fun,_

 _collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,_

 _it was a flood that wrecked this home._

 _Well, I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette_

 _a lifeless face that you'll soon forget,_

 _and my eyes are damp from the words you left,_

 _ringing in my head when you broke my chest,_

 _ringing in my head when you broke my chest._

 _And if you're in love then you are the lucky one,_

 _'cus most of us are bitter over someone,_

 _setting fire to our insides for fun,_

 _to distract our hearts from ever missing them,_

 _but I'm forever missing him._

 _ **Youth- Daughter**_

.

(Beautiful song that I thought sort of fits?- Give it a listen!)

A/N: It kind of got a bit ….sad? Not sure how I feel about it and am contemplating doing a follow in fic that would also tie in with a proposal series I'm working on? Let me know what you think! All reviews and favourites/follows are so greatly appreciated, mahalo for all the support and aloha to you all.


	2. Ich Will Nur All I Want

_A/N: So this has morphed into it's own fic... I am working on re writing my updates for Ho'oheno I ka pu'uwai, they are coming I promise :) For LuckyStarPham, thank you for your constant inspiration and McRoll loving! Thank you too all who reviewed the previous chapter, I have taken your thoughts and suggestions on board ;)_

 _This is kind of Cath's side of the story and trying to reason as to why she stayed behind in Afghanistan._

 **Ich Will Nur (All I want)**

She felt sick, like there was big empty pit of worry and doubt gnawing away at her insides, a black hole that was sucking her in. Her heart felt heavy in her chest, weighed down by a million thoughts and regrets that had haunted her from the very moment she pressed the send button. She had to do it. She knew she had to. She had to stay here, that was her purpose, wasn't it? It had all seemed so clear cut, there hadn't been even an inkling of doubt before. But now, as she sat alone, in the cold and the dark, waiting for a reply that may never come, she began to question herself.

.

It had all been true. She hadn't lied in the message, she needed to stay, the children were in constant danger and with every passing day the Taliban were moving one step closer to the village. There was no one left here to defend the children and young families who had nowhere else to go, who had nowhere to flee to. She had found a purpose, she'd found that feeling that she'd so missed when she'd left the navy. The feeling of having a place, of being needed.

She thought she'd found that with her job with Billy, but that short period had been clouded by a feeling of unease over their relationship. She'd never really had any true feelings for Billy, their relationship had been incredibly short lived and they'd not even slept together. Steve had said that he trusted her and she believed that he did, yet there was still a tension between the two men that carried over not only into her work life but also began to creep into her life with Steve. She knew it wasn't that he didn't trust her or believe her, he was just wary of the other man, but that didn't ease her sense of discomfort whenever Steve asked her about her work. Not that any of that really mattered, Billy was dead, and the sense of normalcy she'd achieved from her new job was destroyed in the blink of an eye. She was thrown back into the unknown.

She'd always had a goal, something to work towards in her life, getting into the naval academy, passing her exams, achieving promotions. There had always been something to focus on, to work towards, and then all of a sudden there wasn't.

She'd thought that she'd wanted a change. She'd been in the Navy for most of her life and she wanted to see what else was out there for her, but as soon as she'd taken the step out of her comfort zone the doors had slammed shut behind her and she was trapped in limbo, not sure which way to turn to find her way back.

Steve had encouraged her to get back into the world, to dive in to the opportunities instead of hiding away. She'd found Sato, she'd helped Kono reunite with Adam, She'd even helped out with Five-0 and all of those adventures back into the world of action, thought they'd given her a purpose, had only been temporary, brief little flashes that in the end only served to remind her of all she missed from the Navy. The more she worked with Five-0, with Steve, the more she realised that she'd made the wrong decision. She never should have left the Navy in the first place. She loved her time with Five-0, the team had taken her in, she'd been an equal, a valued member of the group. She loved working with Steve, the time they spent together, seeing flashes of the young Lieutenant she'd met all those years ago. But it just wasn't the Navy. Maybe it was just in her head, maybe she was just afraid of change and that's why she clung so desperately to her memories of her service, maybe she wasn't ready.

All she knew was that she had begun to get that itchy feeling under her skin, the feeling of not quite fitting. The Navy had been such a large part of her life that she wasn't quite prepared for the emptiness that she was left with upon her retirement. A massive gap appeared from nowhere and nothing she did seemed to fill it.

.

He calls her, her phone jumping to life as his goofy face appears on the screen and all she can do is stare at it. She sits, frozen to the spot and stares, for the first time in her life she is scared to speak to him. She just can't. She knows she's hurt him and that cuts her because that was never, ever her intention. She thought telling him to move on would make it easier, soften the blow, but as she'd read the message back to herself the words had seemed so cold and hard. She can't pick up, she can't bare to hear the pain she knows will be in his voice, pain that she caused. She can't pick up because she knows what he's going to ask her and she knows that her answer will only hurt him more. She has to stay. She has to. Doesn't she? She curses herself for even getting into this crazy mess and she wishes, more than anything, that she could wind back time. She would undo this whole awful mess, she would undo Billy's death, she would have stayed in the Navy. She would be back home, safe, with Steve. But she can't change the past.

The phone stops vibrating and the screen fades to black, she picks it up and waits. He'll leave a message she tells herself.

Only he doesn't leave a message, the sun begins to rise and her phone is yet to chirp back to life with the sign of an incoming message. There is nothing. She begins to panic, maybe she missed her chance to speak to him, is this it? A wave of sickening fear washes over her that she has spoken to him for the last time, maybe he won't call back, why should he? Her hands begin to shake and she questions whether to call him or not when her phone suddenly bleeps, the screen lighting up to signal a new text.

 _Catherine,_

 _I get it. You're right, you need to protect the kids, it's the whole reason we went there in the first place. Just promise me you'll stay safe, your life is as important as any of theirs, please, please be careful. I'm glad you feel you've found your place, I only wish that it could have been here in Hawai'i. I miss you._

 _Aloha nui loa ku'u lei,_

 _Steve_

.

She doesn't regret the message, she knows she had to send it. She'd become so caught up in the whirlwind of life on O'ahu that she'd become lost and had no hope of finding herself again. She needed this space to be able to right herself, to make her plan of action, to find herself again. Steve had been her one beacon of light, her anchor in the stormy weather but she had lost her way, she became confused, she let her attention slip, focussing on the dead ends behind her instead of the door that lay open before her, and by the time she realised it was all to late and she'd drifted too far out of reach.

She needed this time alone to figure out her way back, because she knew if she were to go back to O'ahu now she would only end up dragging him into the miserable whirlpool that had captured her, and that was the last thing she wanted to happen. He had suffered enough for her, she had dragged him into this mess in Afghanistan in the first place. It was because of her that he'd been captured and tortured, and very nearly executed. He'd almost paid the ultimate price for her and for that she would never be able to forgive herself. Her actions and decisions had nearly ended the life of the person that meant everything to her, her mistakes were the reason he had been captured and tortured.

It was like Billy all over again, she'd been so wrapped up in the bigger picture that she hadn't been focussed, and other people ended up paying the price for her errors. Billy had paid with his life and Steve nearly had too. She was way off her game, and here, away from it all, away from the nightmares of Billy's death, away from her fears of being useless and unneeded she would find herself again. Her only wish was that she didn't have to sacrifice Steve to do so, in leaving behind all her problems she was also having to leave behind her greatest treasure in life, the love that she had finally found, her hope of a normal happy life, her dreams of a family with the man she so dearly loves. She just prays that when she returns, because god damn it she will go back, that she hasn't lost him forever.

.

She misses him. There are moments when it just hits her, little memories, whispers carried on a breeze that remind her of the home she's left behind, of the happiness she had. She misses him so much that sometimes she can barely function her heart is so heavy. She'd struggled with filling the gap the Navy left behind in her life, but that emptiness was incomparable to the one she felt now. Steve had been there for 10 years, slowly but surely burrowing his way deeper into her heart, winning her over bit by bit until he had captured it all. And now, now Steve is gone and she thinks that maybe he took her heart with him.

Steve is gone and the future she'd once dreamed up for them of marriage, of children, is gone too. And once again it's all her fault. _She_ chose to stay behind. _She_ chose to not to return to him. _She_ told him not to wait for her. She effectively ended it all. So you see, it's all her fault.

She hates herself for it, she hates that she quit the Navy, she hates that she let her own emotions blind her so much that the people she loved and cared for suffered because of her mistakes, she hates that she chose to stay, she hates that she felt she had to. She hates not feeling at home, she hates knowing her real home is on the other side of the world, but most of all she hates that she told him not to wait.

It keeps her up at night, unable to sleep thinking of where he is, who he is spending time with, who he is falling in love with. It should be her. It should be her in his arms, it should be her he is spending his time with, it should be her that he is in love with, and it was. But she threw it all away and she has no one to blame but herself. Maybe, she hopes, just maybe he will have waited. Maybe he hasn't moved on, maybe, like her, he simply can't. But that's all she can do now, hope and pray.

He loves her, she knows that, they hadn't said it to each other many times but she'd always known it, in his every action towards her she could feel his love and affection, she'd never needed those words to be said, but now on the other side of the world she kind of wished they'd said it more often, if only for the memories it would give her.

She misses him so much at times that it feels like she can't breathe. As if she is stuck in a bubble, trapped underwater, staring up at the surface but unable to reach it. She knows where she needs to be, she knows where she wants to be, she just isn't sure she can reach it.

.

 _Versteck mich wo du mich nicht findest,_

 _damit auch du mich mal vermisst,_

 _hat mich seit woche nicht gemeldet_

 _und frag du ständig wo du bist?_

 _Ich will nur_

 _dass, du weisst_

 _ich hab dich immer noch liebt_

 _und dass, es am ende auch keine andere gibt,_

 _die mich so vollendet,_

 _die mich so bewegt._

 _Ich zeig dir dass, ich dich nicht brauche_

 _und dass, ich gehen kann wann ich will_

 _Weisst du eigentlich wie viel ich rauche,_

 _seitdem du weg bist_

 _und wenn du fragst dann bin ich still._

 _Ich will nur_

 _dass, du weisst_

 _ich hab dich immer noch liebt_

 _und dass, es am ende auch keine andere gibt,_

 _die mich so vollendet,_

 _die mich so bewegt._

 _ **Ich Will Nur- Philipp Poisel**_

 _I hide where you won't find me,  
so that you'll miss me once in a while,  
I didn't get in touch with you in weeks,  
continuously wondering where you are_

 _All I want,_

 _is for you to know,_

 _I have always loved you,_

 _and that, in the end there is no one else,_

 _who completes me like you do,_

 _who affects me like you do._

 _I show you I don't need you,_

 _and that I can go when I want._

 _Do you know how much I smoke_

 _since you've been gone?_

 _But when you ask me I am silent._

 _All I want,_

 _is for you to know,_

 _I have always loved you,_

 _and that, in the end there is no one else,_

 _who completes me like you do,_

 _who affects me like you do._

 _A/N: I hope you enjoyed, and I hope to do another update in the next few days as we finally have our internet back :) A hui hou!_


	3. If You Loved Me

_A/N: so this is sort of Danny POV and involves the deleted scene from 5.01, it was going to be danny helping Steve then kind of developed into a bit of a reflection on danny/rachel as well...really short so apologies for that- very busy weak in the hospitals! Hope you like it and as always big mahalo for your wonderful reviews :)_

 _._

 **If You Loved Me**

 **.**

Steve slumped heavily into his chair and pulled his phone from his pocket. The case was annoying him, they weren't getting anywhere particularly quickly and it frustrated him no end. He hit the unlock button and the screen burst to life, his background picture shining up at him, causing a painful twist in his heart. It was his favourite picture of them, Catherine had snapped it after one of their surfing sessions, an arm slung over his shoulder and a bright smile on her face. They looked so carefree, so happy, blissfully unaware of the hell they were about to go through. With a bitter sigh he opened his messages, scrolling down to their conversation from last night, rereading the message he sent her. A sharp knock on his office door drew his attention and he looked up to see Danny giving him an odd look.

"Yeah?" He called out with a sigh, nodding for his friend to come in.

"Kono, she looks like she's getting close" Danny said, waving towards her as she tapped away at the computer table, as he moved to drop into the chair opposite him.

"Yeah." Steve nodded, only half paying attention to what Danny was saying, his gaze falling back to his phone and her message.

"You okay?" Danny asked, leaning forward, his voice dropping, his eyes filled with concern. _No._ Steve thought as he sighed and slumped back into his chair, dropping his phone onto his desk.

"Catherine found Najib" He said, offering Danny a weak smile, because after all it was good news. The kid was safe, how could that not be a good thing? It was just the news that followed that sucked.

"That's a good thing, no?" Danny asked, a frown forming because if Catherine was coming back then why the hell did his friend look like a kicked puppy. That had been the deal hadn't it? She'd find Najib then come home, so what could Steve be so cut up about? Steve sighed and opened her message, looking at it again before passing the phone to Danny. He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, he couldn't repeat those words, not without breaking down and that was not going to happen, it was easier to let Danny read them.

"She, uh, she sent me this yesterday" Steve explained quietly as Danny glanced down at the screen. His eyes flickering back and forth as he takes in the words before him and his heart sinks to his feet.

"So she wants to stay in Afghanistan" Danny repeated, his eyes not quite believing what he was reading.

"Yeah, there's a little school in the village and she's gonna teach there. She said that she feels that if the Taliban comes back she can protect the children by being close to them" Danny nods silently, struggling to wrap his head around what Steve was saying, deliberately ignoring the wobble of emotion he can hear in his friend's voice.

"What about coming back, did she say when she's coming back?" He asked, passing Steve the phone back. Maybe she still hoped to return Danny hoped, maybe this would be a short term thing and she'd just return a little later than expected, surely she wasn't staying there permanently?

"She said that she'd found her place, that I shouldn't wait for her" Danny took a deep breath, his gaze dropping from Steve's face, he could see the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes. She was gone. The love of his life was gone.

"I'm sorry buddy" He whispered, lost for what else to say. What on earth could have possessed her to leave this life behind? How the hell was Steve going to cope with this? His life had been a story of abandonment and rejection, history was repeating itself again. Danny was honestly stunned, this wasn't Cath. She wouldn't just leave, she wouldn't do that. So why had she? Steve opened his mouth to say something but before he could get a word out Kono burst in and whatever Steve was going to say was quickly forgotten.

"We got a hit."

.

.

They don't speak about the message again, work takes off and before they know it they are snowed under with cases. But Danny can see the small changes, he watches silently in the car and around the office. He watches as Steve slowly but surely begins to retreat into himself, all conversations are work focussed, and even then questions are met with short, curt answers. He watches as the man he has come to know as a brother regresses back to the military machine he was when they first met all those years ago. His smiles never reach his eyes, eyes that look tired and empty, as if someone came along and plucked that little spark of life from him and now all that's left is a shell. It's not just his eyes that look tired, everything about him screams of this deep internal exhaustion as if he has completely given up. They no longer meet up for beers after cases, Steve will plead off complaining of a headache, or claiming he has errands to run. Danny watches, and worries. He should say something, he knows he should do something, but before he gets a chance his world is flipped upside down by Marco Reyes, and all worries for Steve slip from his mind, replaced with the blinding fear for his little brother's life.

.

.

Danny stands in silence, leaning against the door frame as he looks out across Steve's back yard. It's gloomy, the night not quite settled in but the day light has bled away, the sun long set, leaving streaks of bright colour in the sky. Steve sits alone on one of the deck chairs at the edge of the sand.

Part of Danny wants to hate Catherine, to be angry at her for the pain he sees in his friends eyes. But he knows that that isn't the problem, he knows Steve would have done the same thing in a heartbeat had the situation been reversed, but that doesn't make it any easier. He really liked Catherine, she was a breath of fresh air, she was supportive and loyal to a fault but would immediately call Steve out on his bullshit. She was good for him, he'd told Steve a million times. She was the best thing to happen to him. She reminded him of his sisters back in Jersey, she'd become his surrogate sister, another little part of the patchwork family he'd established on the islands, a family that was beginning to fall apart at the seams. They all miss her, and Danny knows that if she were to return that Steve would welcome her back with open arms and the team would all be right along side him. There little 'ohana didn't quite feel the same without her, and Steve, Steve most definitely was not the same without her. He knew Steve had been clinging to her return, it had been keeping him going, he knew how much his friend missed her. How could he not? He said they'd known each other for about 6 years before Steve moved back to the islands. Over 10 years they'd been in each other's lives. How do you even begin to adjust to a life without someone who has been there for you for so long, who has carried you through your darkest times? It took Danny months to even have the energy to drag himself from his bed when Rachel left him, he felt as though he had nothing left. His wife and his precious little girl were gone, he saw no point in attempting to continue living his life, it had lost it's meaning. It was only really when he joined Five-0, when he met Steve and the crazy Kelly-Kalakaua clan that he began to find his feet again. He learnt to live a new life, instead of surviving in the weird limbo state he had been in, dreaming of the life he'd lost.

He doesn't need to look at Steve to know what expression he is wearing on his face. It was that same expression he himself wore in those long, dark months when his marriage began to fall apart piece by piece. The same expression he had when Rachel served him with the divorce papers and dragged the most precious thing in his life half way across the world. It's not the same situation though, and he thinks that maybe that makes it worse. At least with his and Rachel's relationship he'd seen it coming. They had spiralled into a messy and angry relationship and in many ways ending it was the best thing they could have done. Danny had been preparing himself for the divorce for months, he knew it was coming, admittedly he hadn't seen the move to Hawai'i coming, but he'd had that chance to prepare himself for the pain that would inevitably follow. It hurt, he loved Rachel, even as he signed those damn papers he loved her, even when she told him about her affair with Stan he still loved her. But Steve? Steve had never seen this coming. Him and Catherine had been good, they were solid, right up until that phone call that dragged her to Afghanistan and then it all went wrong. There were now warning signs, there was no chance to prepare himself before his heart was ripped out and torn up. It was a stab in the back, the cruel knife that you never see coming- they say you never hear the shot that kills you. They had no idea, and that made it so much harder to accept, to understand. Catherine didn't plan this, Danny knows that she never did any of this to hurt him, she never would, that's simply not her. And he knows that she is most likely suffering just as much, if not more than Steve is. His heart goes out to her, they'd all seen how much she'd struggled since leaving the Navy and Billy's death. She'd had so many changes in her life it was easy to forget what she'd been through, Danny was convinced that she regretted her decision to leave the Navy, that she missed it. She wasn't made to stay at home and be a housewife, she was like Steve, a bundle of nervous energy that needed to be channelled into something, she needed a purpose. But as he stands, looking at the shadow of what once was his best friend and brother, he struggles not to blame her for it all.

With a sigh Danny slowly trudged his way across the yard, his gaze on the ground. He stopped just behind Steve's chair, placing a hand on his shoulder. Steve glanced up at him, he looked tired, lost, and so god damn lonely. Maybe Catherine had found a purpose and a place in Afghanistan, but it wasn't _her_ place. Danny refused to believe that, she belonged here, at home, with Steve. Danny squeezed his shoulder gently, offering his friend a weak smile before collapsing into the chair next to him, and they sat. They sat in silence, watching the waves crash over and over as the light continues to bleed from the day. She would come back, Danny didn't doubt that for a second, one day, hopefully one day soon, she would realise the place she had found wasn't meant for her and she would find her way back to them, to _Steve_ , and then all would be right in the world. He believed it, he had to because how else was this going to end? She would come back because there was no shadow of a doubt in Danny's mind that she loved Steve, and in the end that's all that mattered. She would come back and he would just have to keep Steve going until that day comes.

 _ **.**_

 _All I want is nothing more  
To hear you knocking at my door  
'Cause if I could see your face once more  
I could die a happy man I'm sure_

 _When you said your last goodbye  
I died a little bit inside  
I lay in tears in bed all night  
Alone without you by my side_

 _But if you loved me  
Why'd you leave me?  
Take my body  
Take my body  
All I want is,  
And all I need is  
To find somebody.  
I'll find somebody like you._

 _So you brought out the best of me,  
A part of me I've never seen.  
You took my soul and wiped it clean.  
Our love was made for movie screens._

 _But if you loved me  
Why'd you leave me?  
Take my body,  
Take my body.  
All I want is,  
And all I need is  
To find somebody.  
I'll find somebody_

 _ **All I Want- Kodaline**_


	4. This Love is Alive

_A/N: Thank you to all who have reviewed my previous chapters- your support is so very much appreciated and I promise more updates for other fics are coming soon!_

 _This is based on 5.25, I jump around a bit in the episode and skip over loads of stuff but I hope you like it, let me know what you think!_

* * *

 **This Love is Alive**

 _._

Steve dragged his arms through the warm water, propelling himself forwards. Work had been quite the past few days, a grateful blessing for the team who had been helping Kono out with the final preparations for her wedding. The big day had come round quickly and with it came the anniversary of Catherine's departure. It's been a year. A whole year. 365 days since he last saw her. A year of restless nights in a cold and empty house, no longer the home it once was. A year of pain and second guessing, a year of wondering if he should have said or done something. A year or picking up the phone only to put it straight back down again, fighting with himself over whether to call her or not. A year of trying and failing to accept this new life of his. In some ways the year has passed quickly, work and the team had distracted him. The mess with Wo Fat is finally over, he at last had closure in that painful chapter of his life. And yet, as soon as he puts his foot through the front door it all comes rushing back to him. The emptiness of the house screaming back to him, reminding him of all that he has now lost, the future he had hoped to build that was so cruelly snatched away. The past year has aged him, he feels tired, the nightmares from his service have slowly begun to creep back to him, waking him in the dark of night when he lies alone in their bed. It's in those moments that he misses her most, he misses her presence, her touch, everything about her. It's then that he picks up his phone, his thumb hovering over her contact icon as he fights the urge to call her. He misses her, just as much as he did back then, not a day goes by without the thought of her. The pain of the situation had begun to ebb, replaced by a numbness, a cold acceptance that this was his lot and he had no choice but to accept it. The colour had slowly but surely bled from his world with every passing day, his life wasn't dark, it just didn't have the colour it once did, it was now bland and monotonous- void of all that once made it great. He just plodded through now, taking each day as it came, one day at a time without a thought for the future or long term plans. There was no need for that any more.

With a heavy sigh he flips over and swims quickly to the shore, rising to stand, trudging his way through the warm water. He shakes his head trying to clear the water from his ears as he jogs up to his small stretch of beach, the warm sand sticking in between his toes. He reaches the two old deck chairs and pauses. He lifts the chair, moving it out the way but still doesn't see his towel, he could have sworn he bought it down with him.

"Looking for this?" A familiar voice catches his attention and he whips his head up, searching for the source of the beautiful sound. He must be going mad. This is it, he's finally lost it, the past months of loneliness and depression have finally broken him and he's gone insane.

"Hey Sailor" His heart stops and his breath catches. He doesn't dare believe his eyes. She can't be here, she's on the other side of the planet. And yet there she is, stood only a few feet away, so tantalizingly close. He wants to reach a hand out, but doesn't dare, afraid that if he touches her she may disappear.

"Catherine." He says, his voice just above a whisper. His mind finally catches up as she begins to walk towards him. He takes in her appearance, her hair is longer pulled back in a delicate plait. She's lost a bit of weight, though that doesn't particularly surprise him considering where she has been for the past year. But it's her eyes that capture his attention, she looks tired, as though she had problems sleeping, but most of all she looks nervous, apprehensive almost of his response to her sudden appearance. She looks different but it's her, she's really here.

She walks closer and begins to babble about how she wasn't sure if she should have called him and he can practically feel the nervousness radiating from her. He shakes his head softly and he can barely suppress the urge the grin as he pulls her towards him. He holds her tight, probably with more force than necessary but that is the least of his concerns in that moment. She's in his arms and all other thoughts and cares vanish from his mind. He drops his head to the crook of her neck smiling softly as he inhales her familiar scent, closing his eyes as he fights to keep his emotions in check. He relishes in the familiar feel of her body, pressed so close to him. He dreamt of this moment for so long and she was finally back, in his arms, safe. She was home. They eventually pulled apart, reluctant to let go of the other, but Steve was still damp from his swim and needed to dry off so with a final squeeze they parted and Catherine handed him his towel.

"When did you get in?" He asked, rubbing himself down quickly.

"This morning, I just came straight from the airport." She replied with a soft smile, neither of them able nor willing to break eye contact. Scared that if they did the other person may just disappear.

"I wasn't going to miss Kono's wedding" She said and he smiled back at her, unable to do anything else.

"It's good to see you Cath." He breathed, his head still spinning slightly, unable to fully grasp the situation. He felt like a teenage girl talking to their crush. He was smiling like a dork and knew it but he couldn't care less.

"You too Steve" She said, her voice scarcely above a whisper, her eyes shinning with unshed tears.

"Listen, why don't you let me dry up and throw some civvys on and take you out to breakfast, we've got a lot to catch up on." Steve suggested, throwing his towel over his shoulder, they had a lot to talk about and he wanted to do it away from the house. He didn't want to make any assumptions as to her sudden appearance back on the island. She was back, and at this moment in time that was all that mattered, they would get to the details later, preferably after food. He could only dare to hope that she planned to stay.

"Yeah, I'd love that." She nodded in agreement.

"Okay" He said smiling even wider just as his phone started to ring in the background. He turned around to pick it up and glanced back at her.

"Just give me a second?" He said, motioning towards his phone and she smiled knowingly. Steve glanced down at his display and sighed, they had a case.

"McGarrett? Yeah, I'm on my way." He answered with a sigh. He looked up at her and she just shook her head with a soft smile. The scene was all to familiar to the pair of them, numerous dinners and almost dates had been interrupted by work, Steve could only count himself lucky that Catherine was so understanding- it helped that he always managed to make it up to her, one way or another, though more often with breakfasts instead of dinners.

"Don't go anywhere" he asked and she smiled, placing a gentle hand on his bare arm.

"I won't"

.

.

.

He stares out at the waves that crash gently against the sand. He'd arrived home late the previous night, having stayed at the office, rereading all the information the team had gathered but coming to no knew conclusions. By the time he'd returned the lights were off and Catherine had fallen asleep on the small sofa in front of the TV. He'd paused for a few moments, watching her sleep, her face peaceful and calm. He'd missed that, waking up at night and looking at her sleeping figure, there was something about it that calmed him. He gently brushed her hair off her face and carefully lifted her into his arms. He'd carried her up the stairs and gently deposited her in his bed, brushing a hand against her soft cheek and placing a kiss to her forehead before he slipped from the room. He'd slept in the spare room, not wanting to disturb her and also fearful of overstepping any boundaries. She'd come back but that didn't necessarily mean anything about _them_. After all she'd told him not to wait in her message, that was a pretty clear break up. He didn't want to assume that just because she came back she wanted to stay, let alone rekindle their relationship. Maybe he had misread her return, what if it was nothing to do with him and she simply wanted to be there for Kono's wedding. Those thoughts had kept him up that night, tossing and turning in the spare bed as she slept only a few doors down. Losing her once had broken him, and he feared that if she were to leave again that it would be too much. Though to be honest he wasn't sure it would be all that much better if she chose to stay, but not rekindle their relationship. All he could do was hope and wait with baited breath, planning what he would say for when they finally had the opportunity to talk.

Danny had drawn him from his thoughts as the pair discussed the missing nuke, it bothered Steve greatly that it had slipped out of their grasp, he'd failed to protect his island, his home, but he put it aside. Today was Kono's day, and there was no point focussing on dead ends. They were interrupted by the appearance of Catherine and Steve nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw her. Her hair was loose and it had definitely grown in the time she'd been in Afghanistan. He had always loved it when she wore her hair down, he enjoyed running his hands through the silky strands that smelt of her fruity shampoo. He was vaguely aware of Danny wandering off as she approached him and he smiled.

"You look very,very handsome" She said, running her hands down his chest as she straightened his jacket. He shivered under her touch, it had been so long since anyone had touched him in such a loving way.

"Thank you. You..you look beautiful" He replied, looking her up and down, blue had always been his favourite colour on her. The dress clung to her perfectly and it made his mouth water.

"Thank you" she smiled shyly, looking down at her feet, he smiled softly to himself, she'd always been shy when he complemented her and he loved it, enjoying the way her ears always burnt when she blushed. She found it embarrassing but he thought it was cute and enjoyed telling her so.

"So, after the wedding, how long are you planning on staying?"Steve asked after a short pause, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen between them. They knew this talk was coming but neither quite seemed ready nor willing to air it, afraid of the answers the other would give.

"I don't know. How long do you want me to stay?" She replied, finally looking back up at him, a hesitant look on her face. Steve drew in a breath, but before he could even form the words his phone began to ring. With a sigh he reached into his pocket and pulled it out, seeing Grover's name on the display he sighed and looked back up at Cath.

"Saved by the bell." She smiled and nodded for him to take it. They would just have to continue this talk later.

.

.

.

The wedding is beautiful and Steve can barely hide his pride as Kono walks down the aisle. They had become close over the years, she reminded him of Mary in many ways, and he couldn't be happier for her and Adam after all the drama they had been through together. Now, sat at the reception watching everyone else dance, he tries to put the rather traumatic and exciting events of the day behind him. The nuke had reappeared and he and Danny had only just made it back, the brush with death had spooked him a little. It had got him thinking about his life that had very nearly been cut tragically short. It made him think of Catherine, and he dared to hope that maybe if she chose to stay, that they could make it work. That they could get back to the place they had been before she left. And maybe, just maybe, the diamond ring that still lay hidden in his bedside drawer at home could see the light of day. They'd kissed, all be it a quick peck when he and Danny had disposed of the nuke, his heart had leapt at the familiar touch and it had taken everything in him not to grab her and deepen the kiss. He'd tried not to read too much into it though, unsure as too whether it was simply due to the rush of emotion and the situation, as opposed to her wanting anything more. The dinner had been lively and he'd sat with his arm slung over the back of her chair as she leant into his side. It was like they'd been taken back in time to a moment before Afghanistan and the drama of this last year, it had been easy and happy. They'd flirted and smiled and laughed and Steve had fought to resist the urge to lean back into her, not quite daring to raise his hopes too much before they had the chance too talk.

"Dance with me?" Catherine's voice drew his attention and he looked at her for a moment, her beauty making his heart jump.

"It would be my pleasure." He smiled, placing a kiss to her knuckles as he took her hand and lead her to the dance floor. He pulled her to his chest and slipped his hand to her waist, pressing them together as the music slowed. They swayed quietly, moving to the slow beat in silence, just holding each other as Catherine leant her head to his chest, breathing in his comforting and familiar scent.

"I missed this" She says her voice muffled slightly as she spoke into his chest.

"What?" He asks, pulling back slightly so he can look into her eyes.

"You, I've missed you. Just being with you...I...I missed you" She admits slowly, her eyes glistening with tears. The past year had hurt, and she'd spent every second away from him regretting her decision. It had physically hurt her to be apart from him and she still couldn't quite believe she was back in his arms.

"Are you going back?" He asked quietly, fighting to keep his voice neutral. She looked at him fro a moment and he waited with baited breath, his stomach doing somersaults.

"No" She shook her head, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I thought you found your place there? That's what you said.." Steve began but she cut him off.

"I was wrong. I found a place, but it wasn't _my_ place. My place is here, if you'll have me?" She waited for his response, looking up at him as a lone tear slipped down her cheek. That year had shown her what she needed in her life, who she needed and she would be damned if she was going to lose him now.

"I'll never let you go" He promised, lifting a hand to brush away the tear from her cheek

"That sounds good to me" She smiled back at him and he laughed, nodding his head in agreement before dipping down and pressing his lips firmly to hers.

.

They stumble into the dark house in fits of laughter, their faces aching from the smiles that have been plastered on their faces all evening. Steve quickly keys in the alarm code as Catherine clings to his arm, using him to keep her balance as she kicks off her heels.

"I had a great evening." Steve said, slipping an arm round her waist to support her. Catherine sighs in relief, wiggling her toes and enjoying the freedom of being without heels as she turns to look at him.

"Me too." She agrees, her hand staying at his shoulder as her other one slips round his neck. They look at each other for a moment, just taking each other in.

"I'm really glad you came back." Steve says quietly, his grip on her waist tightening.

"So am I" She breathes as she leans up and presses her lips to his. She pulls back slightly but he slips his free hand into her hair pressing their lips together again. The kisses become heated and it's all Cath can do to remain standing, her knees feel like jelly. She had so missed his delicate yet demanding touch. She moans softly but is too preoccupied with unbuttoning his shirt to care. He lifts her easily, pressing her against the nearby wall as his hands roam up and down her back searching for the zip to her dress.

"Bed?" She suggests between heated kisses. He nods and steps back allowing her to drop her feet to the floor.

"I missed you last night, I hated being all alone in that big bed" She teases, sticking her bottom lip out in a pout that makes Steve smile.

"You'll never sleep alone again" He whispers, the sincerity in his voice making Cath's knees feel even weaker, they need to get horizontal quickly or she might just collapse.

"I'll hold you too that Sailor" She smiles and leans in to kiss him again, but before her lips can reach his he scoops her up in his arms causing her to squeak in surprise. He takes them up the stairs and into their small bedroom, dropping her not so gently in the middle of the bed. He drops down, leaning over her and pauses, taking in the flush of her skin and the way her hair is fanned out across the pillows. A sight he so loves and at one point thought he would never see again.

"Welcome home Cath" He whispers, his lips against hers, their noses brushing gently.

"There's no place I'd rather be."

* * *

 _Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in,_

 _Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again, gone and gone,_

 _and you were just gone and gone,_

 _in silent screams, in wildest dreams, I never dreamed of this,_

 _this love is good,_

 _this love is bad,_

 _this love is alive back from the dead,_

 _these hand had to let it go free and this love came back to me,_

 _tossing, turning, struggled through the night with someone new,_

 _Lantern, burning, flickered in the mind, only you, but you were still gone,_

 _through losing grip on sinking ships you showed up just in time,_

 _this love is good,_

 _this love is bad ,_

 _this love is alive back from the dead,_

 _these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me,_

 _this l_ _ove left a permanent mark_

 _this love is glowing in the dark_

 _these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me_

 _your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave,_

 _your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees,_

 _when you're young you just run but you come back to what you need,_

 _this love is good,_

 _this love is bad,_

 _this love is alive back from the dead,_

 _these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me._

 _ **This Love- Taylor Swift**_


End file.
